1609
Native American Vampires opened their arms to recent Vampire emigrees to the new world by hosting a large banquet made up of some of the smaller native American tribes of the Chesapeake region.
1610
European vampires repaid the favor by foisting holy water on the unsuspecting natives. Large numbers of Native American Vampires were wiped out in what is described as severe vampiric gastoenteritis.
1620
Although there were no vampires among the pilgrims, it's rumored that their chickens had fangs.
1635
Sir Dudley Yardley, a cousin of Sir Walter Raleigh, established a Tobacco Plantation in the Salvage Ile region of Virginia. It's commonly believed that he imported dozens of Africans bought at a sub-Saharan WalMart to work the land in a move that anticipated the establishment of New World Walmarts by several hundred years. This experiment in slave labor was short lived, however, as slaves began dying left and right, drained of blood with two fang marks displayed on the victim's neck. Acquainted with vampirism in their native Africa, the alarmed slaves made sure to stake anyone who looked like they might be returning from the dead. Spurred on by rebellious slaves, Sir Yardley attempted to prove he was not a vampire by stepping into the sunlight. He was instantly atomized and the duty of running the plantation fell to his wife, a Hungarian countess with the family name of Bathory. Historians now view this ill-fated experiment in modern agricultural techniques as a setback to the slavery movement. In fact, the only record of there even being a plantation owned by Sir Dudley Yardley are two word carved into the trunk of a tree:"oh, shit."
 |
Evidence of Vampirism in the New World? A page from a seventeenth century menu from a tavern inWilliamsburg, Virginia depicting several delicacies appealing to a vampire's pallette. |
1698
It is a little known fact that Samuel Sewall, one of the nine judges who presided over the Salem witch trials, also presided over the Camel Vampire trials which took place in Camel, Massachussetts. Sewell prescribed the traditional test to determine whether or not a person is a vampire, that is, putting a stake through the heart. Should the person turn to dust, vampirism is confirmed. After thus staking thirty four villagers without nary a single one turning to dust, Sewell quietly packed up his things in the night just prior to the arrival of the gathered lynching mob. These Camel Vampire trials were immortalized in the Elia Kazan play entitled "Staking out the Truth" which is a thinly veiled parable of cold war ethics and the need to electrocute the gonads of unknown scriptwriters in order to weed out communist sympathizers.
1750
Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity does in fact kill vampires. He skillfully coersced a vampire into holding a key attached to a kite during a thunderstorm by telling the vampire that the key opens the door to Mistress Penelope Jenkins bedroom. Excited at the prospect of entering a bedroom through conventional means, the vampire completely forgot to inquire as to the reasoning behind the kite being attached to the key. Before he could thank Mr. Franklin, a bolt of lightening caused the vampire's eyes to leap from their sockets and his fine woolen cape to burst into flame.
1776
It is commonly believed that vampires by and large sided with the British during the War of Independence, noting that the British were far better dressers than the Americans. The British, finding such fearsome allies, often snuck coffins behind enemy lines. The vampires, grievously insulted, would invariably drag their coffins back to the British side. Citing treason, the British would, on occassion, line up their uncooperative vampire associates and shoot them. Naturally, this would inflict serious damage to the waistcoats and pataloons of the fashion conscious vampires. As a result, the vampires were forced to commandeer the clothing of other British subjects, most commonly by killing them. In practical terms, the vampires established a second front which preoccupied British forces just as the Americans began employing the services of werewolves in their fight for independence. Upon losing the war, the British focussed their attention on erradicating all vampires, but by that time, most American vampires had fled into surrounding forests where they lived on small animals and the occassional Indian until the war of 1812 when gleefully the vampires returned to British service.
Questions? Email Elena Steier, proprietor, developer, artist, and creator of The Vampire Bed and Breakfast.